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Paradigmatic Christian Awakening

yes, i had it. one of those days where you say, “oh wow. i’m so inspired and flipped inside out, that i’m DEFINITELY going to blog about this. oh, and i’m gonna include scripture.” Most of the time, it is to fulfill a selfish idea that admitting things, or that speaking “openly” about God and scripture somehow rights your wrongness. 

 

See what I did there? Yup–i already tried to convey the fact that i know things. that i understand things, and that i’m intelligent and that i’m out of the ordinary for being such a person. i like to provide disclaimers about things, and it’s all to support being as fraudulent as possible. —-and you see what i just did there? I got a little bit honest. This post is dedicated to the beginning of what I hope, is a series of coming clean and uncovering my constant attempts to manage impressions. 

I don’t like to be caught off guard. I claimt to love spontaneity,  and i use unfamiliar words like “Paradigmatic” to title my posts so that maybe another person who sees it as a bit unfamiliar or impressive will trade places with me and i’ll somehow assert a small amount of control over their impression. sickening. 

I’m always receptive to a heart-to-heart talk. Receptive meaning i loooove to have someone open up to me, and know that they’re comfortable and feel like i’m a wise enough person to confide in. My response, almost not matter what, will be, “Wow.. yeah i totally understand….” or “i can understand that. you know, i tend to feel like ….” and then offer my advice. i do relate to others, and i do feel like i empathize so easily, but i avoid being caught off guard. i don’t like to seem surprised by much of anything, and therefore i’ll appear to be in control of my emotions most of the time. probably the same reason i only typically cry in front of a boyfriend. and that’s only because i often find myself relying in human comfort rather than a Godly contentment. 

I’m most certainly wrong much of the time, and I like to work my way around appearing wrong, or admitting wrong that lessens my intelligence.

 

i’m completely insecure and operate on the notion of approval, and i’m basically an attention freak. i love humor and have a hard time resisting a joke, and this has left me with an inappropriate tendency towards making dirty jokes–yes, even in mixed company! 

 

i can be well spoken, well written, and appear put together, but its all just part of trying to void myself as an easy target for mistakes.

i am far from the woman I want to be, and far from truly being as insightful and honest as i sound. 

 

So, with that said, I’ll refer to the Proverbs 31 woman that I have never been. 

 

Proverbs 31

Sayings of King Lemuel

 1 The sayings of King Lemuel—an oracle [a] his mother taught him: 2 “O my son, O son of my womb, 
       O son of my vows, [b]

 3 do not spend your strength on women, 
       your vigor on those who ruin kings.

 4 “It is not for kings, O Lemuel— 
       not for kings to drink wine, 
       not for rulers to crave beer,

 5 lest they drink and forget what the law decrees, 
       and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.

 6 Give beer to those who are perishing, 
       wine to those who are in anguish;

 7 let them drink and forget their poverty 
       and remember their misery no more.

 8 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, 
       for the rights of all who are destitute.

 9 Speak up and judge fairly; 
       defend the rights of the poor and needy.” 
       Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

 10 [c] A wife of noble character who can find? 
       She is worth far more than rubies.

 11 Her husband has full confidence in her 
       and lacks nothing of value.

 12 She brings him good, not harm, 
       all the days of her life.

 13 She selects wool and flax 
       and works with eager hands.

 14 She is like the merchant ships, 
       bringing her food from afar.

 15 She gets up while it is still dark; 
       she provides food for her family 
       and portions for her servant girls.

 16 She considers a field and buys it; 
       out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

 17 She sets about her work vigorously; 
       her arms are strong for her tasks.

 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, 
       and her lamp does not go out at night.

 19 In her hand she holds the distaff 
       and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

 20 She opens her arms to the poor 
       and extends her hands to the needy.

 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; 
       for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

 22 She makes coverings for her bed; 
       she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, 
       where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, 
       and supplies the merchants with sashes.

 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; 
       she can laugh at the days to come.

 26 She speaks with wisdom, 
       and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

 27 She watches over the affairs of her household 
       and does not eat the bread of idleness.

 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; 
       her husband also, and he praises her:

 29 “Many women do noble things, 
       but you surpass them all.”

 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; 
       but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

 31 Give her the reward she has earned, 
       and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

 

 

 

Yes, i work hard and i work often–but not for the glory of the Lord. nope, i work to my own selfish ambition, because i try to be important, i try to have impact for my own glory which obviously fades.

i’m more selfish than anyone i know. i’m insecure and approval hungry whether i like it or not. 

knowing these things about myself, i have done little to overcome them.

i’m hoping that in this exposure will cripple my ability to mask myself. knowing me, i’ll figure out a way to manage impressions regardless. i’m not there yet, and i have sooooo far to go. 

 

i’m going to go as far as saying that i welcome anyone willing to call me out on not being real/honest/genuine.  i’m accepting the fact that i’m probably surrounded by some people that will force me to be better. yes this is corny, yes i’m saying that as a disclaimer to seem cool about it.

 

Also, don’t comment with sweet words like, “i dig the honesty. i admire that.”

i don’t want to be built up in  that way. i’d rather have honest comments such as, “yeah you should really listen rather than speak more…”

 

the more honest, the more harsh, the better. matters of the character and heart only please, i’m not going to shower any more often or clean my car on a regular basis–no matter what you say.